I am a happy person, no doubt. Most days I wake up with a spring in my step and I think “Today is going to be a great day!” Why?
It’s the little things.
Drinking a Mocha. Baking cookies. Playing with Play-doh. Opening a window that hasn’t been opened for 6 months. Bear hugs and butterfly kisses. A great outfit. Music. Laughter. Inside jokes. Stupid jokes. All silliness.
It doesn’t take much to bring me happiness.
However this week there has been a sadness within me and it has bothered me. I know myself very well and I knew something just wasn’t right. I tried really hard to figure it out.
Throughout the week I kept searching for things to “Feel Good” and I found a ton of them, but I was still bothered and I didn’t know why.
Today is Thursday when I am writing this and I honestly understand the meaning of a “heavy heart”. I realized this morning when I woke up why I had been not feeling quite right.
This morning our dog Emma had her appointment for her 6th chemo treatment and a chest x-ray to see if her cancer was gone or had spread.
This appointment was the “big” one. I must have known without realizing it and that must have been the cause for my general malaise.
Tyler called at 11:00 AM. Not only has her cancer spread a lot, the spots that were already there have grown substantially.
All treatments are over. Her diagnosis is a few weeks to a few months.
This is NOT going to be a pity party.
I think I can speak for all of us, here, when I say that we feel a little bit of relief since we knew it was coming; we just didn’t know when. It has been hard to wait for the inevitable.
Obviously today there have been many tears shed / giant sobs by us both. And as I sit here writing, I know that the next post that I write about Emma will be because she has died.
BUT THIS DOESN’T MEAN THERE STILL AREN’T THINGS TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT:
1. I feel good that we did everything in our power to help her.
2. I feel good that because of the amputation she got to run and play and sleep up on our incredibly high bed again.
3. I feel good that she made it to Spring and has been outside with me and Emily and Sarah every single day possible.
4. I feel good that since she doesn’t have chemo anymore she can finally lick us to death and we can take her to the dog park!
5. I feel good that even though Emily was biting her lip and holding back her tears she still asked if we could have Emma stuffed after she died. The kid is persistent; you just have to laugh over that!
6. I feel good that we don’t have to keep her on a diet anymore and we can let her steal food from our plates and, as Tyler said on the phone, give her some STEAK!!
(If you are new to my blog, you can read about Emma on the right sidebar)
I haven’t been around to many blogs this week and I want to apologize for that. My general unknown “sadness” and my broken Google reader are to blame.
I want to end on a high note and tell you about some of the happier and fun things about my week that made me Feel Good. Some of this stuff you will be reading about later in the week…
1. Wednesday night I had conferences with Emily’s teacher. She couldn’t be doing any better! Straight A’s and 96 and 98% respectively on her reading and math progress tests.
When I told Emily how amazing she was, she said “Really only 98%? That’
s too bad.” She thought it was out of 1000. Look like we will be working on Math and how it relates to the Real World over Spring Break. and then…
2. Spring Break is here! and then…
3. I asked Emily to clean her desk and dresser and 4 hours later she emerged from her room. She re-organized her closet and got it ready for Spring! The best part??? She told me that she now has a certain “system” and she would like to start putting away her own clean clothes from now on. And then…
4. 2 words: Woo. Hoo. and then…
5. In the middle of her Spring re-org I actually kept my mouth shut and did not tell her that I was planning on doing that task later in the week like I always do in the Spring and Fall. and then…
6. I bet I am the only person on the face of the earth that has said this sentence: “Sweetie, your pink shoes are in the refrigerator” and I laugh every time I say it. and then…
7. My first VLOG is coming: Wheel Ball. and then…
8. Wheel Ball – The Vlog will be brought to you by the same people who chose to watch “Dude Where’s My Car” instead of “Inglorious Basterds.” Then we finished the night watching a PBS special on Happiness. What can I say? We are intricate people. and then…
9. I had never seen “Dude, Where’s My Car” and it just may be the stupidest movie ever, but that doesn’t stop me from laughing every time I think of it. and then…
10. Finally, I LOVE my husband to death. I love it how with one look or one word we can BURST out laughing until we have tears in our eyes. We both have been sad this week and we both did our damndest to make each other laugh through it. I love you Babe and I can’t wait to be with you all weekend long….
No more “and then”!