I am pretty much an open book so to speak. I definitely do not have a problem telling you the good, the bad, the ugly or the embarrassing things in my life.
If you are a long time reader, you have learned that I am very shy, that I have been stalked, that I can’t run, that I saw my grandpa’s ghost in our living room and the list goes on and on…
There is one thing that hasn’t come up until today. I haven’t been keeping it a secret. I haven’t avoided it. It just hasn’t been appropriate until now.
You see, a month ago I saw that there was going to be a Blog Conference for Minnesota Bloggers held in St. Paul. And I wanted to go. Badly.
St. Paul is about 25 minutes from where we live. I had 2 obstacles to overcome.
- The conference was held on the same day as a Men’s Club event for Tyler who hasn’t ever missed a golf tournament.
- I needed to be able to get there.
Now, anyone who knows Tyler really well would think that getting him to NOT golf would be my biggest obstacle, but that is not so. My biggest problem is that I needed to physically get there because…
I get panic attacks.
(I am purposely breaking this post into a series of posts because as you all know, I like to keep it short and sweet. If you are dying for me to cut to the chase well, obviously, I am not dead or injured, or I wouldn’t be sitting here in a cold sweat typing my little heart out.)
The Day That Changed Everything
Once upon a time when I was young and single and didn’t say things like, “Pancakes do NOT go in your hair,” I had a wonderful job. A job filled with great people some of whom read this very blog. I was so happy and carefree. I had it all.
I had every Coach purse I wanted, a new car every 2 years. I would walk into my favorite stores and the store managers would see me and bring clothes to me knowing my tastes and size.
It was the life. (even though I rarely had a boyfriend)
Then one day I decided to interview for a different job with more money and this job held a lot of prestige. Now, I never did things for money, I always base decisions upon if I am going to be happy. I felt it was time to advance my career and within 5 minutes of the interview I was hired. 200 people applied for this job and I was the one they picked.
I couldn’t have been happier.
What I didn’t know that there were a few people at this new place who wanted to hire someone internally. They didn’t want me to get this job; however, these people also weren’t in charge of the hiring or decision making. Unfortunately I got stuck in the middle unknowingly.
I was excellent at my job and I received 3 raises in one year which just isn’t done. Some people didn’t like that. My computer crashed. My computer got hacked. My office had to get a lock put on it. My desk had to get a lock in it. I had to start taking important documents home for fear they would be sabotaged.
I couldn’t believe my dream job just wasn’t.
And then one day, my life changed. I didn’t know that I would never be the same again. I was wearing a light blue sweater set with a navy flippy skirt with tiny pink roses on it and my favorite navy heels. I got into my car and I drove to work like every other day.
And then my neck got really tight and I got really hot. As I tried to get my arm to rub my neck, my arm was heavy like I couldn’t move it. My heart began to race and race and it took all I could do to look over my shoulder to see if I could get off the road without getting into an accident.
Once I was safely off the road I felt better and I dragged out my 3 pound cell phone and called my mom. She told me to come home.
We ended up at the doctor. I was fine. And then just as I was getting ready to leave the doctor asked me a question:
“Is anything bothering you?” she asked.
Who me? I am great. My life is great. I am happy. I haven’t a care in the world.
“What do you do? Do you like your job?”
And from out of nowhere I started to cry. And cry and cry.
“It’s okay. It is just a simple anxiety attack. People get them all of the time. You will be fine.”
Unfortunately, she didn’t realize who she was dealing with…