Do you ever wonder what the point of blogging is? Do you ever feel not good enough?
Let me back up, way up, to what has been going on in my overcrowded mind these past few weeks which led up to the most terrible awful funkety funk ever.
Christmas was coming and I thought it would be nice to take a little break since the girls and Tyler would be on vacation.
Why shouldn’t I take a vacation too, right? I do something blog related every single day, 7 days a week during Sarah’s 2 hour nap and if I don’t, I feel that I am being a slacker.
Kind of funny since there isn’t a 401K plan that accompanies my writing.
Then one day I looked down at my nails and the red polish that I used to so lovingly apply once a week was all chipped and my nails were way too long. Don’t get me started on my toes.
What happened to the girl that used to lovingly apply that polish so diligently? What happened to my size 0 jeans? Will I ever fit into them again?
More importantly, do I care?
I write now.
Does that mean that my passion for telling a story about App Addiction takes precedence over painting my nails? Am I turning into a sloth?
If I do indeed think I am a writer than why didn’t I tell the Apple saleslady that I write when she asked me what I did for a living? I just looked blankly at her and nodded in Sarah’s direction.
Apparently I am a stay-at-home mom who cannot speak. Oh goody.
I took a vacation to immerse myself in my family and to see what I would do without any thoughts of writing, but I found out that I already immerse myself in them plenty. That hasn’t changed.
The house is clean. The laundry is done. That hasn’t changed either.
What’s different? What’s wrong with me? Why am I feeling so disgruntled?
It’s the B-Word.
A few non-blogging readers casually have mentioned to me that I should write a book. “Why give it away for free?” they say. “Why not write a book?”
Those statements have been swirling around in my head for the past couple of months and I just cannot for the life of me wrap my head around it.
I am not Stuart Smalley. And no matter how many times I go to the mirror I just can’t say the right words:
“I’m not good enough.
I’m not smart enough
And gosh darn it, why would people read me?”
Deciding to write a book really makes you think… and critique yourself.
And I am not that kind of “clawing my way to the top” kind of a person that is a huge self promoter. I can think of 5 people off the top of my head that would be better. Write better. Be funnier.
So if I don’t think that I have what it takes to write a book, why the hell am I blogging?
I have no desire to make any Top Blog Lists. It would be fantastic and I would love it, but I do nothing to get on those lists. I do nothing to promote myself.
I am a horrible blog friend and I do not play “The Game.” I used to play “The Game” and I used to slip in comments at every single spare moment at the expense of my family.
I did that for 3 months and I felt horrible about it knowing that it was taking a nanosecond away from my family was the kind of guilt that I just couldn’t take. I knew there was a way to have most of “it all.”
So I sucked it up and limited myself to the 2 hour writing window that I currently maintain, give or a take. I lost 20-30 commenters a day and that was a huge pill to swallow.
But, I didn’t lose my self-respect over being a good wife and mother and that is way more important.
I rarely get time to read all of the blogs that I love so much, but try do my best.
So if I lost 20-30 readers just because they were here for a return comment, why would I think I was good enough to write a book?
The day is January 1st, 2011, I have chipped nails, have turned into a sloth, lost 20-30 commenters, I still don’t fit into my jeans from last year and I have no idea why in the world I am writing.
My head is crowded and crazy and I just bury my head into Tyler’s chest and I am trying to come up with some sort of plan because the clock is ticking and Monday is coming and I need to make some major decisions already!
And I try to tell him everything that is whirling and swirling in my mind, but I know it comes out all garbled like the teacher from Charlie Brown and he looks at me like a deer in headlights so I just bury my head some more willing it all to just go away.
And I do nothing.
Sunday rolls around and I am back in action, going through the motions of writing just like any other day, but there is a part of me that feels like I should just walk away.
Knitting sounds nice. Maybe I will take up knitting.
Monday comes and my post goes out and I’m still not feeling it. I am so unsure of what to do.
Self-defeating thoughts rule my head.
Tuesday is grocery day and once the groceries are put away I looked at my phone to check email and there is a comment.
A comment from someone I don’t know who doesn’t even have a blog that I can visit. And what she said, she has no idea of how much it meant to me, but her words made everything so very clear:
“…Keep writing and keep making us laugh!”
All of a sudden my funkety funk was over and everything in my head became quite clear.
To answer the question I laid before you in the beginning:
“Do you ever wonder what is the point of blogging?”
My point, my mission, is to entertain people. I have a voice. It is a simple one. One that I hope is easy to read sans dictionary and quick for everyone’s busy lifestyle. That is my goal and I stick to it.
I do not write to get free stuff. I do not write for pats on the back whether they are sincere or not.
I love how I feel when I tell a story. I love thinking about it all day long. I love connecting with all of you every day.
I love saying the word “pip” and having 5 people tell me that they love that word.
I love saying that I am huge in Canada and then laugh myself silly.
I do not have to overwhelm myself with thoughts whether or not I am good enough to write a book and get published. I am entertaining people right now.
Now is what matters.
Do you want to “feel good” everyday?
Don’t fill your head with negative thoughts like I did. In four short days I went from feeling on top of the world to worthless all because of the thoughts in my own head.
Be kind to yourself. Let 2011 be the year of YOU!